Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be an adult.
I wish I could crawl into my dad’s lap and let him make it all better.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately. It will be four years in June that we lost him. I’m doing better at not remembering those awful last days but instead remembering the good moments. I feel privileged to have been able to take care of both my parents after the terrible terminal diagnosis. I cooked for them and kept them company. I gave them reassurance and a distraction. I was able to give Big Dude, then just a baby, some time with the Grandfather he’ll never remember, but who loved him dearly.
I love my life. My recent Lenten journey has left me with a deep seated understanding that I AM happy. I feel privileged to be raising three great kids. I have a wonderful husband with a secure job and friends I can count on. I just sometimes feel the weight of all the responsibility that comes with adulthood is overwhelming. I look at The Girl and hear the ‘I’m bored’ and can’t remember the last time I had the luxury of boredom. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t envy her the challenge of the teenage years and the torture of navigating high school social politics but the freedom still inspires jealousy.
Freedom is not a word I would relate with parenthood. It is inspiring and heart-wrenching and exhausting and it does tend to tie you down. Perhaps it is funny that I’ve been having these thoughts about wanting to give up my adulthood for a day recently… it came just as my mother (and sister) bestowed a very generous gift on us. She is sending us away on a trip this summer. My sister is taking the kids and my mother is footing the bill. The husband and I were stunned… and intensely grateful. We have been spending the last week blue-skying ideas. We are about to sit down together to make a decision on where we will go. Even the decision process has been freeing.
I may not be able to crawl into my dad’s lap to let him make it all better, but my mom is offering something much more realistic. She is giving us a week of precious freedom that is so rare in our adult life. It’s making me feel young again… and maybe that is making at all better.