I have come to the conclusion that surviving motherhood is about balance. There is simply no way to satisfy all of the demands on our time, on our patience and on our emotional well-being all at once. I’ve also come to the conclusion that there is no perfect balance.
I think I’m okay with that. I gotten a lot better lately at letting things go. Last night I left the messy house to take a bath because I needed the break. My to-do list seems a mile long but I decided I was okay with the idea of letting it be and taking some time for myself. I feel a bit further behind today but I’m still trying to let it go.
I getting more comfortable too with the idea that I can’t have it all. I know, and have known for a long time, that this idea that women can have it all (career, family, kids etc.) is a myth, but it’s still pretty hard to stop myself from trying anyway. For me, church has been a good example of trying to do too much. The Husband is not a church goer. That’s fine, I knew that when I married him, but it means I take the kids on my own. That’s also fine, I knew that when I married him too. I have a wonderful church. The people are welcoming and the leadership teaches the lessons I want for myself and my family but this is not a church built for kids. The boys have had the run of the place since they were born but the Sunday School is not built for a busy three year old and he never wants to stay. The Baby has been okay running up and down the aisles but now he’s opening side doors and getting into things he shouldn’t. This is a church that meets my adult needs, not those of my children or those of my life as a mother. Taking the two of them to church is exhausting and I no longer get anything spiritual out of my attendance. For so long I have fought the idea that I would need to try somewhere with a more appropriate Sunday School (and maybe a nursery?!) or that I would have to sometimes leave the kids at home while I go to church.
This Sunday made me realize this was just another attempt to have it all. Like so many other things with motherhood, while I’m so busy just trying to make it work, I loose the whole point of the exercise. Yesterday, one of the parishioners came up to exclaim about how much patience I have… my first thought was that the only reason I wasn’t screaming like a banshee was that I was in church.
I’m not sure what the solution is but I know I can’t have it all. It’s time for a little compromise and a little balance. I don’t know what the solution is yet but, even coming to the knowledge that things have to chance, makes me a little calmer.