Sustaining the Joy…

After my last post my priest said something that stuck with me. He told me he hoped the joy I felt that Sunday was sustaining. I’ve been thinking about that. I really wish I could figure out how to do that… find sustaining joy.
I’ve been working hard at rebalancing my life. I am understanding more and more how important it is for anyone, but particularly a mother, to have a balance of family, work and life. I, like many other mommies, have let the ‘life’ part of that equation slide. I have made valiant attempts at changing that. I have taken on some volunteer work that is meaningful to me. I have joined a book club. which I am excited about. I am trying to put more emphasis on my friendships and am spending more time with other people.
I do feel better after I have done these things, but I find it doesn’t last. My experience last Sunday was a perfect example. I came home jubilant, eager to share my experience with everyone and to savour the moment. Instead, life’s little stressers got in the way. Whether it was a thoughtless husband, grocery shopping with both kids in tow, or just a whiny three year old; I found the lightness in my step was gone within hours. What should have been a wonderful day was not. I feel sad, and more than a little guilty, that I can’t hold on to the gift my dad gave me.
I don’t know how to combat this. Life will not be perfect. I will have whiny children and burned dinners and I will be unappreciated at times. This is the life of a mother. I don’t want to end each day with a headache, kicking myself for loosing my patience with the kids. I don’t like Dark Mommy. I love being a mother. I love not having to leave my kids 40 or more hours a week to go to work. I love it when the boy comes running across the room just to say ‘I love you.’ I love not putting a sleeping baby in his bed just because I can’t bear to let him go. I love hearing new words and new concepts from my child and knowing I am helping shape this young mind. I just don’t know how to make those joys, and the many others I have in my life, sustain me through the less than fun times.

This entry was posted in dark mommy, motherhood. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *