Control is a nebulous concept.
I feel very out of control right now.
It was a hard Christmas dominated by terminal illness. The next month promises to be even harder, yet I feel somehow I have lost my strength to get through it.
It’s one reason I was perplexed last night at the urge to clean and purge my bedroom last night. My home life is in chaos. I have paperwork that needs to be filed, phone calls that need to be made, clutter to clear and a kitchen that looks like it needs a pressure washer to clear out the dirt. Yet, with all those jobs waiting to be done, I was purging my jewellery and cleaning my bedside table.
I felt a bit like I must be finally losing it. I called my sister. Her house is in a similar state of chaos and she too found herself cleaning unlikely and unnecessary things. Now, either we’re both crazy (not altogether out of the realm of possibility) or our subconscious is finding the sense of control we both so desperately need.
Cleaning the kitchen is an exercise in futility for me. If I manage to get all the clutter of the island, five minutes later it is full again. Cleaning the corners of my bedroom has a longer lasting sense of success (the dust bunnies take a little longer to hop back in). Looking at the clean and organized areas of my bedroom right now gives me at least a small sense of calm. I’ll take that over constantly being overwhelmed any day.
Therefore I have a plan. Over the next few days I plan to tackle some of the nagging household jobs for which I have not had time or energy. Control may be an illusion but it may be enough to fool myself for a while. Maybe, it will be enough to get me through.