Category Archives: mom

Anxiety and bravery… come to know the whole woman.

I’ve been reading my mother’s journals. It’s heavy going.  There’s a lot of baggage: like why did she write so much about my sister and not about me, like reading about her grief at my father’s loss and then facing … Continue reading

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Easter state of mind…

It’s raining outside.  It’s dark and it’s cold.  It just doesn’t feel like Easter.  The Bunny arrives in three days (Big Dude is on a countdown) and I’ve got nothing. Oh… the bunny will visit with all the requisite treats … Continue reading

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Love letters….

I’m mad at my mother. She’s not even in the ground yet (we’re waiting for the ground to thaw) and I’m angry. She knew she was dying.  She had multiple visits from palliative care, she made the financial arrangements and … Continue reading

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The cancer pity party… we’re lots of fun to be around.

I feel like I’m in a dark alley and cancer is just waiting around the next corner. I can’t just grieve for my mother… there is this awful specter of the genetic history seemingly mutating my cells as I write. … Continue reading

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You can never go home…

I left my parents home for the last time this week.  Saying goodbye seemed impossible.  I found myself literally rooted to the spot in my mother’s favorite chair, unable to make myself leave. It is not the house where I … Continue reading

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The Prom Dress…

Physical activity and grief don’t mix. I have been good.  I’ve been to the gym.  I’ve been to Zumba.  I’ve walked so much I discovered I desperately need new running shoes.  Hell, I even took my kids on a neighbourhood … Continue reading

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Fighting, literally, through grief.

Wow.  I just had a big fight with my sister… the biggest one we’ve had since we were kids.  Apparently our grief involves yelling at each other. We had a rollicking fight that ranged from guilt to repressed anger to … Continue reading

Posted in cancer, death, grief, mom | 3 Comments

Not Ready….

I have discovered there are limits to my emotional stability at the moment. My memory of yesterday pretty much stop late afternoon when I unpacked the family bible.  The rest of the day is almost a blank. After just a … Continue reading

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Going Home…

I’m lying in my bed… or I guess the bed in my old bedroom… on the last night I’ll ever spend in my mother’s house. I have been desperate to leave all week but now that I’m almost going home, … Continue reading

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Summing up a life…

I rashly promised to give my mother’s eulogy. When my father died I felt compelled to speak.  I know most close family members choose not to do so, but I saw no other choice.  I assumed it would be the … Continue reading

Posted in death, mom | 2 Comments