Wishing for Death…

I feel like a ghoul.

I’m waiting for death.  Not with dread but with a sense of anticipation… of needing relief.

The last month has been one of the most physically and emotionally exhausting of my life.

My heart stops when the phone rings.  Then, when it isn’t news of my mother’s death, I feel relief and then disappointment.

I want my mother to die….. what a terrible thing to write but it is true.

The crazy half-life we’re leading of waiting and grief and uncertainty is not benefiting anyone.  There is no ‘life’ in my mother as she sleeps or stares into space but there is not death either.  My children are shunted from one care giver to another, my friends’ generosity is being sorely tested as this whole experience drags on and my sister and I operate in a strange kind of limbo where the strain is making each of us sick.

Death will be a relief yet I feel disloyal for even thinking such a thing.

Cancer sucks.

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3 Responses to Wishing for Death…

  1. Anonymous says:

    Megan, don't feel like a ghoul,you will be sad when your mom dies but she is probably wishing she would die too. Thinking of you and your sister and mom lots of hugs to you. Right now your mom is not the woman we all know and love, unfortunately she is already gone and all we have left is a shell of her former self. Take care!!!

  2. Lynne says:

    Megan as I read your blog I shed many of tears. Tears for you and Ellen and tears for my Mother in Law that we lost so suddenly to cancer two years ago. Steven walked in on one of my crying fits and we both agreed that although it was quick we didn't have to see the pain and suffering as you and Ellen have had to endure. Please know that we are praying for you and you have a right to feel that way….

  3. Anonymous says:

    Megan I think wishing for death now is the bravest act of loyalty that you and Ellen could offer. It is brave beyond belief to be ready to let your mother go.As for your friends, I am sure they are happy to do what little they can to ease your burden. I feel hopeless being miles away and can only hope that being a friendly voice on the other end of the phone can offer a little solace and support.Hugs to all of you.Heather

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