The fear….

When you are surrounded by cancer, it is very difficult to separate yourself from the specter of the disease.

I’m down for the count today. I thought it was just some indigestion but when I got home from picking up Big Dude from school I had to lie down (thank goodness I was washing my hands religiously at the birthday party I took Little Dude to this morning).

I know, intellectually, that this is just some kind of stomach bug. I’ll be fine by tomorrow. At the same time, just for a moment some part of me couldn’t help but think… could this be cancer? It sounds insane, especially to someone who has never lived with cancer, but almost everyone I speak to that has walked this road with a parent or sibling or spouse or, God forbid, a child, describes a similar reaction.

It’s one of the reasons I started this Lenten journey, but it’s also the hardest part. This is the kind of deep seated fear that is the legacy of cancer. I can change my diet and exercise habits (maybe that’s why my body got sick now, the ‘physical activity’ section of this experiment was supposed to start tomorrow), but changing the impact cancer has on such a fundamental level is a lot harder.

Right now, I plan to roll over and lie still until the Little Dude wakes up… then its just a painful 90 minutes of chasing the boys until The Girl gets home and I can throw myself on her mercy.

I do have a few other nutrition tidbits to round out my nutrition week of the Lenten challenge. I’ll try to post them a little later once the wrenching pain has subsided.

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