Wow. I just had a big fight with my sister… the biggest one we’ve had since we were kids. Apparently our grief involves yelling at each other.
We had a rollicking fight that ranged from guilt to repressed anger to unfounded assumptions. We then ended the argument by laughing and crying at the same time realizing the whole fight had been fueled by repressed grief and both felt like a huge weight had been lifted.
I didn’t know I needed to irrationally yell at those I love to work through my grief.
That’s what is surprising me most as I work through this. The ways that grief just comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face. I work through my day on a relatively even keel and all of a sudden a wave of sadness takes over. Sometimes there is good cause, like the day I was sorting some odd papers and found my mother’s bucket list (of which, I was sad to note, not one item had been completed) or sometimes it comes along with no specific motivator.
The result is the same. I can feel my shoulders sag and my spirits sink. I feel sad and lonely.
I also feel self-indulgent. Tomorrow my mother will have been dead for one month. It feels like I need to stop living in myself and get on with life. Everyone looses a mother at some point, it is how the world is supposed to work. Then why can’t I seem to get out of this self-indulgent grief?
I don’t know… maybe I just need to yell at someone again. Any takers?