I’ve been avoiding posting this past week.
I think I feel some pressure, now that I have completed my cancer-free Lent, that I have to have something profound to say about cancer or about life.
I don’t feel profound right now. I feel bereft.
I’ve lost another loved one to cancer.
My kind and generous Godmother lost her very long battle with breast cancer this past Sunday. I know human concepts of fairness and justice can’t be applied to disease but there are times when the unfairness of it all seems overwhelming. This woman, who loved children selflessly and with an immense heart, should have lived to nurture and love her own grandkids.
I’m angry. I’m angry at a society that thinks it’s okay to place convenience above health. I’m angry that it seems to be okay to promote products to children that lead to obesity and diabetes and, yes, even cancer. I’m angry products linked to breast cancer are available on every drugstore shelf.
I’m angry at myself. I let the idea of cancer consume me to the point where I was unable to go to say goodbye. I was too busy to go see my Godmother more often when she was still healthy enough to appreciate my kids. I let this big, complicated world sidetrack me from what is most important.
I’m angry I can’t find a silver lining or a lesson in my writing today. One of the things I love about this blog is that I find the process of writing therapeutic. In putting my thoughts on the screen, I often lead myself to clarity. Not today.
Today, I remember.
Tomorrow, I say goodbye.
Friday, I pick up the journey and hope someday to live and love in a cancer-free world.