Monthly Archives: January 2011

Cared for by angels…

I think I have forgotten how to take care of myself. In the week since my mother died I have not cooked or cleaned, I have not washed a dish and I have not been grocery shopping. I have merely … Continue reading

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Summing up a life…

I rashly promised to give my mother’s eulogy. When my father died I felt compelled to speak.  I know most close family members choose not to do so, but I saw no other choice.  I assumed it would be the … Continue reading

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Careful what you wish for…

I have no words. The past week I’ve been working through this awful time with words.  Tonight I have none. My mother passed away today.  I expected relief.  Instead there is emptiness. This whole evening the house has been dominated … Continue reading

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The debris of life….

I can’t decide if it is a poignant reflection on a life lived… or just a bad case of hoarding. I spent nearly an hour tonight disposing of a box of used calendars that go back to the year I … Continue reading

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Casket Shopping…

That was an experience I could do without. I went casket shopping. Now… I have come to learn that I am a comfort shopper.  I have never liked to shop but I have learned it is an excellent distraction.  Thankfully … Continue reading

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Saying Goodbye…

I said goodbye to my mother tonight. She’s not there… not really.  The brain tumours and morphine has taken the essence of her, only a confused shell remains.  Still there was something poignant in actually saying goodbye. I feel like … Continue reading

Posted in cancer, death | 4 Comments

Wishing for Death…

I feel like a ghoul. I’m waiting for death.  Not with dread but with a sense of anticipation… of needing relief. The last month has been one of the most physically and emotionally exhausting of my life. My heart stops when … Continue reading

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All is not as it should be…

“All is as it should be.” These are supposed to be words of comfort and while they are well meant and I thank people for their concern… I have trouble seeing this whole experience is ‘as it should be.’ How … Continue reading

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Waiting in Silence….

How is it the world seems to keep on turning when for one person it stands still? It seems so strange to hear about snow days and sledding parties when my world is limited to this house and the slow … Continue reading

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Finding a little control in an out of control life….

Control is a nebulous concept. I feel very out of control right now.  It was a hard Christmas dominated by terminal illness.  The next month promises to be even harder, yet I feel somehow I have lost my strength to … Continue reading

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